So, I want to say first that my next few thoughts have nothing to do with anyone other than myself. What I mean by that is I have held myself to these standards without influence from someone else. Not one person ever made me feel like I should think this way, it's just the way my head works. And I want it to be known that I don't blame a single person for that.
That being said, I've been feeling recently like I have this mask on and that I haven't been truly showing people who I am. I used to, I used to love who I was to the core of me..I was proud of it. But just the past month I realized that I began constraining myself. I'm not sure when it started or how long it's continued, but I'm so glad my eyes were opened. I feel like I conformed to this idea that I shouldn't ever cuss or drink or be around anyone that does and I shouldn't miss church on Sunday morning because I'm tired or skip a shower because I was lazy. I should be honest and transparent with my feelings even when I'm uncomfortable sharing them and I shouldn't feel under appreciated or discouraged when sharing them does not result in the encouragement I was seeking. I should be a leader to others my age and show joy all of the time even when my world is crumbling because I've got a friend in Jesus and that should be all I need. I should be bold and honest even when it's hard. I should make Bible study, ReMix, and church on Sunday/Sunday school a priority because if non-believers see these things aren't even a priority for me, how can they begin to make them priorities for themselves? I should be filled with flaws, as honest people are, but remain confident because you have have to love yourself and be gentle with yourself to love and be gentle with others.
Do you see where I'm going with this? That's not me. It's a pretty picture, sure, but life's not pretty and I'm not either. This is me. I don't mind cussing, I actually like it in others because I think it says "I don't exclude words from my vocabulary that I feel I'm too good for." I think a little bit of alcohol isn't such a bad thing and it actually lowers walls and allows people to be more of themselves without the insecurities and whatever it is that holds us back all the time. I don't like drunkenness though, I find it terribly annoying and sloppy. I love good music, especially underground bands and not because I think it's cool to have a vast music knowledge but because I feel like the smaller bands are more real and actually experience the things they're writing and singing about. I like athleticism and I hate it when people talk about being overweight while eating a cookie and expect others to feel bad for them. I want to say "Go for a run. It releases endorphins and will make you happier than that cookie will." I struggle with a constant want to change myself to be better. It's both a good and bad thing. It means I'm continuously growing but it also means that I'm not ever content with who I am. I always wish I was more like this person or less like that person. I compare myself. I need affection and kind words and love at a consistent rate and I sometimes feel neglected when I don't receive it. I re-wear my jeans before washing them occasionally and I don't think it makes me any less clean than the next person. I can be very honest and I'm not sure if it's a good quality or not. I'm sure I offend people without being aware of it all of the time. I'm a realist and a dreamer and it's probably the most difficult thing to balance. I have this picture of the way the world should be in my head and I think about how great it would be if we actually lived that way. And I know that everyone has a place in this world and that we can all take small steps towards the picture I've conjured, but I also know that the world is far from perfect and always will be. There will always be pain and disappointment and hearts grown from stone. I know this. I think there are a few selected people in the world that are made to be lights and relief and comfort from all of that pain. And I like to think I'm one of them.
I'm thankful for the revelation I've had and I hope I don't let myself get lost again. You've gotta be honest with yourself before you can honest with anyone else, and I forgot that for a while. It's such a special thing to be an individual. It's a gift that shouldn't be taken lightly and if we could take a break from conforming to all of these ideas that are enticing to us for whatever reason, we could really learn what it means to be ourselves and the value that lies in that.
Here's a video my great friend Kelsey introduced me to last night about the topic, and I loved it so much I wanted to share it here. It's a great song. Enjoy :)
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