Being Grateful in a Spoiled Society

Last week I went to Myrtle Beach with a group of friends for spring break. It was so beautiful and the perfect get away. I think all of us really needed a break. We rented a two story condo with several bedrooms, two balconies, a game room, and a wide open living room with the biggest television I've ever seen. I stayed in a room with Sara and we had a king size bed, a full bathroom, and a balcony all to ourselves. Needless to say I was feeling pretty spoiled. Which I think is an okay thing to feel every now and again. One day we were on our way to a restaurant for lunch and we were all in my car with the sun roof down and that Jessie J song playing as loud as it could go. The sun was streaming in and everybody was singing along and we're in this gorgeous place and I'm just soaking all of it in. I don't think I've ever had so much fun in a car before. It was just one of those moments you feel whole. Like "This is what's it's about. Times that you can carelessly drive around a very pretty place on a very sunny day with some of your very favorite people." Then we get stopped at a red light and as I'm slowing down I notice a homeless women pushing a buggy with what looked like every one of her possessions in it on the cross walk. I don't think she knew I was watching her but she was kind of looking our way. She had a worn out face and worn out clothes and just looked like life was weighing heavy on her. I started thinking about how very different our circumstances were. And I started wondering if she ever got the chance to ride around in a car with her friends. I wondered how absurd it must look to her to have that luxury. I wondered if she even had enough friends to fill up a five passenger car. I wondered how it felt to watch a group of college kids driving around those busy streets probably not appreciating much. I was brought back to earth that day just by the expression on her face. And for all I know she might not even have been looking at anything in particular. Regardless, it really made me appreciate where I was and what I've been blessed with. I have a family that will have my back no matter what. I have friends that would do the same. I have a car that allows me to cruise around overflowing with sunshine and friends, but not because of anything I did. Because I have a generous dad that likes to do things for me. I stayed in a crazy nice condo for a week not because I worked for it but because my parents have helped me out enough this year that I had money saved to do so. I'm typing this on the nicest computer I could hope to own for the same reason. I was born into these circumstances and I'm glad it hasn't made me this spoiled ungrateful person. I can look at what I have and appreciate and know that I am so very blessed beyond all measure. I know it's cliche to talk about counting blessings but it's so necessary to keep from going numb in this accessible, Americanized world we live in. So, what is it you're thankful for?

Don't get lost.

So, I want to say first that my next few thoughts have nothing to do with anyone other than myself. What I mean by that is I have held myself to these standards without influence from someone else. Not one person ever made me feel like I should think this way, it's just the way my head works. And I want it to be known that I don't blame a single person for that.


That being said, I've been feeling recently like I have this mask on and that I haven't been truly showing people who I am. I used to, I used to love who I was to the core of me..I was proud of it. But just the past month I realized that I began constraining myself. I'm not sure when it started or how long it's continued, but I'm so glad my eyes were opened. I feel like I conformed to this idea that I shouldn't ever cuss or drink or be around anyone that does and I shouldn't miss church on Sunday morning because I'm tired or skip a shower because I was lazy. I should be honest and transparent with my feelings even when I'm uncomfortable sharing them and I shouldn't feel under appreciated or discouraged when sharing them does not result in the encouragement I was seeking. I should be a leader to others my age and show joy all of the time even when my world is crumbling because I've got a friend in Jesus and that should be all I need. I should be bold and honest even when it's hard. I should make Bible study, ReMix, and church on Sunday/Sunday school a priority because if non-believers see these things aren't even a priority for me, how can they begin to make them priorities for themselves? I should be filled with flaws, as honest people are, but remain confident because you have have to love yourself and be gentle with yourself to love and be gentle with others. 


Do you see where I'm going with this? That's not me. It's a pretty picture, sure, but life's not pretty and I'm not either. This is me. I don't mind cussing, I actually like it in others because I think it says "I don't exclude words from my vocabulary that I feel I'm too good for." I think a little bit of alcohol isn't such a bad thing and it actually lowers walls and allows people to be more of themselves without the insecurities and whatever it is that holds us back all the time. I don't like drunkenness though, I find it terribly annoying and sloppy. I love good music, especially underground bands and not because I think it's cool to have a vast music knowledge but because I feel like the smaller bands are more real and actually experience the things they're writing and singing about. I like athleticism and I hate it when people talk about being overweight while eating a cookie and expect others to feel bad for them. I want to say "Go for a run. It releases endorphins and will make you happier than that cookie will." I struggle with a constant want to change myself to be better. It's both a good and bad thing. It means I'm continuously growing but it also means that I'm not ever content with who I am. I always wish I was more like this person or less like that person. I compare myself. I need affection and kind words and love at a consistent rate and I sometimes feel neglected when I don't receive it. I re-wear my jeans before washing them occasionally and I don't think it makes me any less clean than the next person. I can be very honest and I'm not sure if it's a good quality or not. I'm sure I offend people without being aware of it all of the time. I'm a realist and a dreamer and it's probably the most difficult thing to balance. I have this picture of the way the world should be in my head and I think about how great it would be if we actually lived that way. And I know that everyone has a place in this world and that we can all take small steps towards the picture I've conjured, but I also know that the world is far from perfect and always will be. There will always be pain and disappointment and hearts grown from stone. I know this. I think there are a few selected people in the world that are made to be lights and relief and comfort from all of that pain. And I like to think I'm one of them.


I'm thankful for the revelation I've had and I hope I don't let myself get lost again. You've gotta be honest with yourself before you can honest with anyone else, and I forgot that for a while. It's such a special thing to be an individual. It's a gift that shouldn't be taken lightly and if we could take a break from conforming to all of these ideas that are enticing to us for whatever reason, we could really learn what it means to be ourselves and the value that lies in that.


Here's a video my great friend Kelsey introduced me to last night about the topic, and I loved it so much I wanted to share it here. It's a great song. Enjoy :)

Love Doesn't Work Like Money

For Christmas I got this book called Blue Like Jazz by a very wise man who goes by the name Donald Miller. It was a New York Times best seller so chances are you might have read it, but I hadn't before recently so if you haven't either I fervently encourage you to give him a chance and read what he has to say. The whole book causes you to really dig deep and take a look at the things in your life. Everything from how you worship and who you feel is worthy of love to if the Christian faith is even relevant in our culture today and that maybe believing in God could be "no more rational than having an imaginary friend." I'll probably touch on ideas from the book in the future as I feel compelled to share them here, but one chapter...one page, really...stood out to me among the other 239 of them. He's talking about this conference he attended where the speaker asked the crowd to yell out words they would use when describing relationships with people, especially those they love. The responses are things like we invest in people, value people, people can be considered priceless to us and so on and so forth. 


Then this realization came that all of these descriptive words could also be used when discussing the economy. We use love like it's money.

"And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We us it like money. Professor Spencer was right, and not only was he right, I felt as though he had cured me, as though he had let me out of my cage. I could see it very clearly. If somebody is doing something, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and perhaps, we feel they are priceless. I could see it so clearly, and I could feel it in the pages of my life. This was the thing that had smelled so rotten all these years. I used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did." 

But love doesn't work like money. It never did and it never will. Love is something different. So different in fact that philosophers and psychologists and intellectuals have studied it for years trying to determine it's characteristics and boundaries. But that's what makes it so special. It doesn't have any boundaries. We try to withhold love from people we disapprove of in an effort to make them change due to our disapproval, but it just doesn't work.

"I replaced economic metaphor in my mind with something different, a free gift metaphor or a magnet metaphor. That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson."

I promise you it works. I can't tell you how many people have impacted and helped heal me just by loving me. I can't tell you how much relief is found in the embrace of a friend. I think if there's one thing all people have in common it's that we want to be accepted. We need to be loved. 


I go to a Bible study on Monday nights at a house of some close friends of mine. We've been reading a book called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I suggest having a dictionary on hand as you tackle his writing because it's dense, but anyway. This week the chapter was about the pharisee and the child. Ours is led by my always inspiring friend Sara and she pointed out the most important parts, read them to us and explained them. The pharisee and the child are polar opposites. The pharisee is wrapped up in technicalities and laws and to them, "instead of a love story, the Bible is viewed as a detailed manual of directions." But the child "spontaneously expresses emotions." They are carelessly genuine. When they fall, they cry. Sara had us write in a journal for something like 15 minutes about what we're struggling with or maybe what we thought about the chapter. I found myself writing about all the people I love that might not know it. I actually wrote "We've been talking about feelings and whether we repress or embrace them. I think I embrace them always but show them rarely and that could be just as much as problem as suppressing them is because it means I don't always tell people how I feel about them. I wonder if they know." 


Afterwards I sent out a mass message to everyone I could think of telling them I loved them and how happy I was to be a part of their lives and have them in mine. The responses I got back were so unbelievably encouraging. Some were surprised, others told me how much they needed to hear it. Many told me how much I meant to them too which always very good to hear. I'm not sure, but I think my "love language" is words of affirmation. If you didn't get it, it doesn't mean I don't love you. It probably just means I don't have your number. And if you did get it and you're reading this, and suddenly feel less special because it wasn't specifically just for you  -don't. Because out of all of the people in my life your name crossed my mind when I was thinking of people I love. 


I have a lot of people in my life that "awkward it up" as Chase would say when emotions come in to play. I think I learned at some point to not hug them, to not tell them I love them in an effort to not make them, or myself, uncomfortable. But I should be doing the complete opposite. I know that now and I can't wait to stop using love like it's money. I think everybody is guilty of it in some form or another, but just think about how pretty the world would look if we didn't do that.

Taking Action

Several years ago I saw a movie called "Bruce Almighty" and it was about this guy, Bruce, who got all of God's powers for a week. The first few days he used them for his own gain/entertainment doing things like parting tomato soup down the center of a bowl, making his girlfriend's boobs bigger, and getting back at a group of men who had done him wrong. He loses his girlfriend due his newfound narcissism and begins to attempt to force her to love him again. He eventually learns the error of his ways and starts giving everyone else anything they want. The world dives into chaos and violence rules the streets. The point was to realize God's got a pretty tough job and that on top of everything else, He doesn't force us to love Him because He chose to give us free will. Needless to say it was a pretty silly but good movie and when the sequel came out, "Evan Almighty," I was excited to see what message could be found through it. It wasn't near as great as the first, as seems the trend in sequels, however I took one line from it that I still remember and believe holds such truth.

In the movie God tells Evan another flood is coming and he wants him to quit his high paying job and build an ark. Evan grows a beard and starts wearing a robe and sandals and constantly has animals following him around. His wife starts to think he's crazy. She wants their kids away from him and she feels like she's losing him so she prays that God would fix their family, that He would bring them back together and that Evan would return to normal. Evan asks her to come on the ark with him and weather out the storm. She's sitting at this bar in one scene talking about her struggle with a stranger (who is actually God) and he says this line that resonated with me. He says:

 "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" 

The wife runs out realizing that she was pushing her family away and in the end all is well. But how true of a statement is that? So often I'll pray for something and find myself frustrated because it isn't just handed to me. We know God hears us when we pray, and when situations aren't resolved we wonder where He is. But I think maybe He's just up there saying "Get off your butt and do something about it!" He isn't going to resolve all our conflicts for us. What would we learn from that? I think God gives so many opportunities every day to make things better for ourselves and others. We just don't always see them, or take them. I hope to start paying greater attention to these windows of opportunity and realize God is answering prayers every day, in ways that aren't always plain to see.

Epitomes of Goodness

I've been thinking a lot recently about role models. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I leave in the morning to return to Jonesboro. Once again away from everything that means home or familiar. I got used to being there but now I'm afraid I'll have to go through the whole ordeal again. Little Rock means close friends who know me inside and out. People who know the way I think, that know my past, that helped me through the hardest parts of my life. And as my friend Emily said, "there's something special about a hug from a person who has known you for more than three months." I loved seeing my friends this break. I love hearing their stories about the first semester we've spent away from each other. It made me realize how great it is to have people in my life that know what I mean when I'm not always clear in what I say.

So, role models. I'm realizing more and more how important it is to have them. I consider a role model to be someone that you admire, someone that you want to live like. I've been blessed with some amazing ones in my life. The worst thing about a role model though, is this: Once realizing your extreme adoration of them, you begin to seek their approval. Up until this point in my life I have always been successful in doing so. It's a feeling unlike any other to know that a person you think highly of approves of you. But what about when you can't? What about when you try and try but you just can't build the relationship you want with them? It reminds me of the show Scrubs. JD constantly and unwaveringly does every action humanly possible to win the approval of Dr. Cox. I don't think it ever happens. I can't say that for sure because honestly, I haven't seen how the show ends. All is know is episode after episode JD tries and tries and all he gets is Dr. Cox calling him a girls name and then going off on a long rant about how little he cares about him, and what he'd rather be doing than talking to him. My case isn't near as extreme as this but I'm definitely caught in this type of situation. I've had past mentors, though, who have influenced me to  become who I am now. They deserve a shout out.

Brook- My sister has helped me through so much, and continues to. I think everybody has that one person they call when they're on the verge of tears. My sister is mine. Any time I may feel trapped or confused or just need a familiar voice I call Brook and, when she isn't studying, she talks me through it as long as it takes. Whether it's an important issue or just something silly that someone unintentionally did that hurt me, she takes the time to talk me through it until I feel better.

Kerri Connaughton- She is one of the first, if not THE first person, I ever really looked up to that wasn't related to me. I met Kerri at a camp I went to at the age of ten. She was sixteen. Her nickname at camp was Spurs and I still catch myself sometimes wanting to call her that. I think most girls around the age of ten are intrigued by horses. I know I definitely was. Kerri was in charge of the horse unit at camp. That's not the only reason I liked her though. This particular camp experience was the first time I had ever been away from home for any length of time. I was to spend a week there in a unit called "Splash" where the majority of the time was spent playing around in the lake, canoeing, anything water related really. The only time I ever saw Kerri was during meals a couple times a day. I had more fun sitting at fold out table eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with her than I did the entire time at camp. She made me laugh and forget how much I missed home for a while. The way meals worked was each staff member would sit at a table and kids would file in and pick which table they wanted to sit at. Kerri's always filled up the fastest; everybody wanted to be around her. So I started getting to meals as fast as was possible in a camp where you aren't allowed to run so I could sit with her. After that week I remember making sure I found her to say goodbye and I gave her the biggest hug. She probably didn't even know how much better she had made my week. After camp I sent her a letter and after several weeks of waiting she wrote me back. It still blows my mind that this sixteen year old, who probably had so many things better to do than talk to some obnoxious little kid, wrote me back and talked to me about the latest harry potter books and pokemon. She gave me her house address and we continued to write each other, all of her letters ending in "Be Good!" When I was old enough to have an email address we switched to that and eventually to phones. She taught me how to ride a horse with patience. I still remember riding on trails with her where we'd come to a cross road and she'd say "left or right?" I'd pick the one that looked most dangerous. She loved to ride fast. I don't even see her twice a year but she's still in my life. It's crazy to think about what I'd be like without her influence, if I had never written that letter. It's crazy to think about how what started as a kid that marveled at a camp counselor became a friendship that I'll always be thankful for.

Emily Faith- Em, not sure if you will end up reading this or not but know that I love you so much. I think you have listened to me whine more than any other person on this planet. For your patience and constant support and kind words, even when I was probably driving you mad, I admire you. At the end of my senior year I was given an assignment from my english teacher to write a letter to someone that we felt had helped us accomplish the year in some way, and I wrote mine to you. I never sent it because, as I did most assignments, I wrote it the night before (it's no less honest for this fact) and immediately had to turn it in..later forgetting about it and leaving it unread to you. So here it is: Dear Emily, From the moment I met you at Indian Hills Elementary I knew you would remain in my life as long as I lived it. You have been one of my best friends and number one supporters through everything. I can never thank you enough for that. I can promise that if you ever need me I will be there without fail, every single time. You have shown me through your patience and kindness what it is to be a true friend and to have one. High school is a far cry from the sheltered elementary school you and I attended. It has been rough and eye opening. High school took us out of our protective shells and threw us into life as we now know it. You were always more prepared for the real world than I was, and helped me transition as best as you could. You've listened to my whining, complaining, overjoyed excitement, rambles, and opinionated expressions. You have helped me become independent. You were never afraid to say "live a little" or "how many chances do you think you'll get?" I love you. Thank you for everything you have done for me and for the future times you will undoubtedly be there to help me through whatever may come.

Emily (left), me, and Macy (right). Forgive my appearance
I had just finished lifeguarding for 8 hours.

Macy Maddux- Macy is unique as a role model because she's also a close friend. I think in a typical situation you look up to someone, put them up on a pedestal, because you think of them as a hero...as someone who is so much greater than you, maybe even someone that saves you. People typically do this assuming that their hero has no faults. But when you have a close friend as a hero, when you know their faults and know how honest they are in them, it makes them twice the hero they were before. Macy is so honest with me about everything she doesn't like about herself..all of the things she wants to make better. I'm not talking about things like body image here. Macy wants to improve her heart and there is something so beautiful about a person that genuinely wants to grow in that way. She's also bold and bright and loves on people in a way I can only someday hope to.

Tyron Edwards said, "People never improve unless they look to some standard or example higher and better than themselves." Mark Twain said, "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." Ernest Hemingway said, "As you get older it is harder to have heroes, but it is sort of necessary." And Paul Shafer said," The most important single influence in the life of a person is another person who is worthy of emulation."   Clearly people in the past have stopped to ponder and realize the importance of these greater people in our lives  -the ones that change our hearts. My challenge is that you, too, think about those that have impacted your story and maybe just take the time to thank them for it. And stop wasting time trying to gain the approval of those that you don't need it from, but remember the people that love you for who you are. That was a long one...sorry readers.

A New Beginning

I've always read blogs by other people, in fact I have a bookmark on my computer with over ten different ones I like to follow, but I've never actually had one of my own. I guess it's just another insecurity. I've never really felt like I had much to say that could impact, much less benefit others. But I've always been a writer. I love to write just as much as I love to read, which is quite a lot. I have journals with pages upon pages filled with my writing. They've progressed from silly middle school gossip and the cute boy in class to relationships with friends and currently to my future and what I would like to do with it. It's a new year though and I want to start it with sharing my thoughts, because I've got plenty of them. I'm not sure who would pause their day to read them but I'm finally open to the thought that someone would. Who knows..it's a new beginning.

I want to say also that I'm almost positive that on any blog I've ever read, the first post is some rant about how "nobody will probably read this thing anyhow and I'm not sure why I'm even writing this..." but I have no intention of being cliche here.

My New Years Eve was not exactly celebrated the way I thought it would be. At 9:30 pm I hopped in the car with two friends of mine and we started on our way to Jonesboro to spend the night at Montego Bay. I was so excited to see the people there and spend a little time with them bringing in the year. But we got to Searcy and Kt's mom called, forcing her to come back home. We turned the car around and made the 45 minute drive back to Little Rock. Midnight came on the highway in a car with a stressed out friend and a driver going too fast. Nonetheless we all mustered up a smile and wished each other a Happy New Years. After getting Kt home to her parents, Flu and I continued driving around the city with music in the background and talked about nothing. We caught some fireworks, or a firework I should say (the cops took care of that), and wasted time until it was time for bed.

If New Years Eve really sets the tone for what the rest of the year will be like..to be honest I would just want to set this one out. But my last NY resolution was to make the best out of every day of the year I was given. I really do think I did that to the best of my ability. It wasn't my favorite year but it held some great things for me. I graduated high school, spent a summer life guarding with some awesome people, started my first semester of college, and found a lot of myself along the way. This year I have a lot of little goals for myself. They include repairing old friendships as well as growing in new ones, continuing to make the best out of situations, having a healthier lifestyle, and most importantly working on my relationship with Jesus. 

It's going to be a good year.